Emotional Intelligence

In my trainings, I refer a lot to the concept of cause vs effect, which could also be described as doing vs being done To. If we don’t stay mindful on a regular basis, or consistently work on our emotional intelligence (known as emotional quotient or EQ), then we can trip up on some of the smaller things in life, and that can have limiting effects on our careers, relationships, and day-to-day happiness.

In brief, this means that we react because we feel "done to" rather than cultivating the EQ to help us recognise how our patterns of thought and behaviour play out, which in turn allow us to proactively "do" to create a different outcome. Or at least shift things a bit.

Some examples of negative behaviour patterns might include acting superior to others, using "moods" to control the behaviours and responses of others, or dominating the room by acting bigger or louder than others present. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But the one thing that underpins any negative behaviour pattern is a lack of, or a blind spot in, one’s emotional intelligence.

Working on our own emotional intelligence, and so raising our emotional quotient, means that we must learn to recognise and understand the emotional state of others as well as being able to identify, cognise and express our own. There are many ways in which we can work on our emotional intelligence, and I’d recommend staying curious and compassionate with yourself and others as you explore, rather than being critical.

Let’s also be clear that emotions are not a bad thing. Emotions allow us to understand ourselves and other people better, they assist us in making decisions and taking actions, and they help us to survive and thrive in the world. Asking the "why" about our emotional response is everything. Questioning ourselves on why we or others might be feeling happy or sad, frightened or angry, surprised or disgusted, is the key to unlocking emotional intelligence.

Cognitive empathy refers to simply knowing how another person feels and having a sense of what they could be thinking; in short, this is where we might be taking a perspective. Emotional empathy refers to being able to physically feel along with another; we might become tearful when someone we care about cries, or wince when we see someone physically hurt themselves. Compassionate empathy is a result of combining cognitive and emotional empathy. By understanding and feeling what someone else is experiencing, we are moved to support or help from a rational place.

When we are in a fight, flight or freeze state, it can be more challenging to be empathetic and emotionally available for others. In a world which is increasingly unpredictable and changeable, we need to work harder to find our EQ beyond our own emotional reactions.

Here are five simple strategies which you may find useful when it comes to improving your EQ:

1. Check in with how much you are really listening to others. Listen for clarity instead of just waiting for your turn to speak, make sure you understand what is being said before you respond and use the opportunity to pay attention to the nonverbal behaviours that happen during a conversation. This prevents misunderstandings and shows respect for the person/people you are with.

2. Be open to feedback and criticism. An important part of increasing your emotional intelligence is being able to take criticism. Notice if you tend to get offended or defensive, and instead take a few moments to understand where the feedback might be coming from and how you can use it to resolve any issues in a practical way.

3. Practise self-care. Check in with what you need in order to have a good day. Nutrition, exercise, meditation, hydration, adequate sleep, motivational podcasts, regular breaks from your screen, etc. By practising self-care, you are in the optimum emotional state to respond to any challenges you may encounter.

4. Beware the impact of negative attitudes. A negative attitude easily contaminates others and can pull a whole group into a victim state, which then traps people in problem-focus. Maintain an awareness of the moods of those around you and guard your boundaries accordingly. If you need to remove yourself from a group or situation to protect your own positive mindset, then do so as a priority.  

5. Hold a high standard for yourself. Set an example for others by taking the initiative, staying self-aware and being solution focused. Be committed to building a growth mindset by regular reading, listening to useful podcasts and radio shows, and staying endlessly curious.

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